


if you don't ask me to stay (i won't ask you to wait)

by givebackmylifecas



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Asexual Character, First Kiss, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Post-Episode: s19e13 The Undiscovered Country, Reunions, Season/Series 22
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:08:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28228908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/givebackmylifecas/pseuds/givebackmylifecas
Summary: “The lieutenant, she said… she said you’re leaving us – uh, the DA’s office and SVU that is,” Carisi says and oh, it would have been so easy to walk away and never think of Sonny Carisi again if he weren’t here, on Rafael’s doorstep, pink cheeked and sincere.Rafael can’t meet Carisi’s eyes when he nods. “Yes, I thought it was for the best. A fresh start after… everything.”“Oh,” Carisi says, face falling. “You never came to say goodbye. To the squad.” The unspoken ‘to me’ hangs in the air between them.Set post Barba's departure in s19 and in the s22 episode of his return
Relationships: Rafael Barba & Olivia Benson, Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 64





	if you don't ask me to stay (i won't ask you to wait)

**Author's Note:**

> just because i'm so excited for rafael to come back but also i like undiscovered country angst
> 
> TWs for references to canon-typical sexual assault (literally just mentions of a rape accusation), vomiting, some swearing, self-deprecation
> 
> fic title from the taylor swift song "'tis the damn season"

**2021**

“I’ve missed you.”

It’s the first thing Liv says when they meet outside the diner and Rafael rolls his eyes.

“We saw each other a couple of months ago, Liv,” he says with a smile, but he returns her hug anyway.

“Yeah, and that was the first time in three years,” she reprimands and he holds up his hands in apology.

“You’re right,” he admits. “But it’s good to see you, Liv – in person and not just through a screen.”

Liv smiles. “It’s good to have you back in New York.”

Rafael pauses their conversation to order them both coffee from the typically sullen waitress and then turns back to her with a rueful smile. “It’s good to be back, I never thought I’d be gone for so long.”

“Yeah, neither did I,” Liv says and there’s an undercurrent of hurt in her voice.

“You know I had to,” he says instead of apologising.

She sighs. “I do,” she shakes her head, visibly pulling herself together. “I like the beard,” she says, reaching out to poke at his chin playfully-

He laughs, grateful to find not enough has changed over the years to make things awkward between them. “Thanks, I was never really able to make it work for court.”

Something changes in Liv’s face and he narrows his eyes.

“Liv? Why did you ask to meet me – and don’t say it’s because you just wanted to catch up.”

She doesn’t look guilty and this is the Olivia Benson he knows and loves – passionate about what she believes in until the very end. She pulls a file from her bag and slides it across the table towards him.

“This guy, Alan Jacobsen, he’s being accused of three different rapes,” Liv says.

Rafael frowns, flipping the file open. “What, you don’t have enough evidence to convict?”

Liv shakes her head. “No, he didn’t do it. But our squad was taken off the case and the DA is pushing for Carisi to get a conviction.”

“Carisi’s prosecuting the case?” Rafael questions.

Of course, he knew Sonny moved to One Hogan Place, he and Carmen still caught up via email every week, but he hadn’t realised he’d already be taking on cases as big as this one.

“Yeah, he’s really coming into his own there,” Liv says and Rafael isn’t surprised to pick up a note of bitterness in her voice. As happy as she claimed to be for Sonny whenever he came up in conversation, Rafael knew how hard it was for her to let new people into the squad.

“So, what do you need me for?” Rafael asks, almost dreading the answer.

“I need you to defend Jacobsen,” Liv asks. “He’s a husband, a father to a baby girl and he didn’t do this. His public defender has no clue, she couldn’t even get him out on bail at the arraignment.”

“Remand?” Rafael asks with a sigh and Liv nods. “I suppose I’ll be doing this pro-bono?”

Liv smiles fondly. “Like you didn’t make enough money with all those government contracts.”

“Well, you know me,” he teases. “I was never one for material wealth.”

“Of course not,” Liv says, eyeing his mohair jumper.

He laughs and takes a sip from his coffee. “I’ll do it. Give me the weekend to try and catch up and I’ll arrange to get him out on bail on Monday.”

“Thank you, Rafa, really,” Liv says, reaching across the table to grasp his hand.

“It’s alright, Liv,” he assures her. “Just don’t expect this to be a regular thing – I’m not Buchanan.”

“Well, Jacobsen is actually innocent so that helps distinguish between the two of you,” Liv says mockingly and he laughs.

* * *

**2018**

It’s nearly dark by the time he gets back to his building. He won the trial, but it doesn’t really feel like a victory – not when compared to everything he’s lost. Saying goodbye to Carmen, his fellow DAs and then Olivia was hard – he could barely stand it. Walking around Manhattan, seeing the delis and coffee carts and bars he passes every day, it was almost as hard to say goodbye to them as to Liv. He knows he owes the rest of the squad a farewell, but it’s been much too much already.

Rafael manipulates other people’s emotions into overtaking them – he doesn’t allow the same thing to happen to himself. Nothing good comes from it, it leads to fights with his mother, and words he can’t take back with Yelena, and ruining his life for a grieving mother he’s only just met. He won’t let his emotions control him like that again. He’s decided: he's leaving New York and he won’t look back.

Which is, of course, why he arrives at his apartment building to find Sonny Carisi shivering beside the door. His camel coloured coat is wrapped tightly around him and his nose and ears are bright red from the frigid winds.

“Carisi?” he asks and the detective startles, turning to look at him. “What are you doing here?”

“The lieutenant, she said… she said you’re leaving us – uh, the DA’s office and SVU that is,” Carisi says and oh, it would have been so easy to walk away and never think of Sonny Carisi again if he weren’t here, on Rafael’s doorstep, pink cheeked and sincere.

Rafael is a man of integrity, and – he likes to think – of some courage, but he can’t meet Carisi’s eyes when he nods. “Yes, I thought it was for the best. A fresh start after… everything.”

“Oh,” Carisi says, face falling, even though he nods as if he knew already. “You never came to say goodbye. To the squad.”

The unspoken ‘to me’ hangs in the air between them. Carisi looks crushed and this is Rafael’s fault, because he knew what Carisi felt for him was more than hero-worship, maybe more than friendship and he never discouraged it. Quite the opposite, he liked the attention, liked Carisi’s unwavering faith in him, liked the idea of having someone whom he truly couldn’t disappoint. But he’s toppled himself from the damn pedestal that Carisi built for him and how can he go on knowing Carisi will never look at him the same way again?

“I’m sorry,” he offers, but it feels hollow, it’s not enough – won’t ever be. “I thought a clean break would be best for all of us.”

Carisi frowns. “A clean break? A clean break doesn’t mean not saying goodbye at all!”

His eyes are wide and Rafael can see tears in them and he almost wants to change his mind and stay.

“See this, this is exactly what I was trying to avoid. I wanted to avoid things getting messy!” he tells Carisi with a harshness he regrets.

“Messy?” Carisi repeats quietly. “You thought saying goodbye to me would be messy?”

Rafael clenches his jaw. “Carisi, maybe you should go.”

Carisi nods, but he looks angry and there’s the fire that Rafael knew would always make him a good detective but a better lawyer. “I will, but first you’re going to let me speak.”

The words are forceful, but the gentleness of his eyes is what convinces Rafael to hear him out.

“Fine,” he allows and braces himself for the harsh words of disappointment Carisi will surely spit at him.

Carisi looks away, then levels his sincere gaze at Rafael. “I love you,” he says and Rafael forgets how to breathe.

“I… Carisi what are you talking about?”

“Oh, don’t act like you don’t know,” Carisi says self-deprecatingly. “I think half of 1PP knows.”

“I didn’t,” Rafael insists.

Carisi flushes and he’s still gazing at Rafael, but now there’s something akin to hope in his eyes. “Well, now you know. I um… Look Counsellor, I know I’m not really what someone like you wants and I was prepared to wait until you maybe, well…” he trails off, shaking his head. “Doesn’t matter now. Because I guess I’m out of time so… I just had to tell you even though you don’t feel the same. I love you, Rafael.”

Sometime during his speech, Carisi shuffled closer and Rafael’s brain was so busy processing, he hadn’t even noticed. He doesn’t know what to say, where to begin because Carisi loves him. Loves him and thinks he isn’t good enough for Rafael, like Carisi of all people is unworthy. He looks tired, his greying hair dishevelled and there are dark rings under his eyes, but despite all that he’s still so young and hopeful and Rafael can’t allow the spark that he’s always seen in Carisi to dim any further. Can’t be the one to drag him down and put out the spark for good.

“Carisi – Sonny, I don’t know what to say, I… I’m leaving New York and you can’t expect me to stay just because you think you love me,” he says, the words bitter on his tongue.

He watches Sonny blink away the sharp hurt. “I don’t, but I am in love with you. Whether it means anything to you or not. I don’t expect you to stay – not for me. But I needed you to know. I wanted you to be able to leave, knowing that someone thinks that what you did was brave and that you’re loved, because I don’t think it’s something you hear very often and I’ve wanted to tell you every day for way too long.”

“Sonny,” Rafael says and he wants to stand firm, to send the detective home, but his resolve wavers and his voice cracks.

“It’s okay,” Sonny assures him and he raises a shaking, wind-chafed hand to Rafael’s face. “It’s okay, Rafi.”

“You should go,” Rafael murmurs.

Sonny nods, hand still cupping Rafael’s face. “I know, just…”

He never finishes his sentence, leaning forward to press his mouth to Rafael’s in the softest of kisses. His lips are gentle and warm in contrast to the freezing fingers that are clutching the collar of Rafael’s coat.

“Sonny,” Rafael whispers, sharing each breath with him. “Sonny we can’t, I can’t… I’m leaving.”

“Still?” Sonny asks.

“I can’t stay and I can’t be what you want.”

He pulls away, reaching up to unhook Sonny’s fingers from his coat. The other man looks crushed and Rafael almost can’t bear to look at him. He takes a couple of steps away from him, turns around and moves towards the door.

“Goodbye Sonny.”

“Goodbye Rafael,” he hears Sonny say, but he can’t bring himself to turn back and watch him go, to see what he’s done.

Maybe he always was a coward when it came to his personal life, but knowing Liv, and Sonny, and the rest of the squad changed him enough to at least be able to admit it now. He trudges slowly towards the elevator and up to his apartment. He’d already started packing, started the minute the trial began. He doesn’t cry as he finishes packing that night, but later, alone in his bed, he allows himself a moment to wonder if things would have been the same if Sonny had come to him like this a few months ago. He doesn’t know if he’d have acted differently with the child, but at least he’d have had someone to come home to.

* * *

**2021**

He’s not nervous as he strides into the courthouse – he was here not that long ago getting his defendant out on bail, after all. He isn’t nervous, definitely not. He’s Rafael Barba, he’s won more court cases than most firms with multiple attorneys could hope for, his suit is impeccably tailored and his face is freshly shaved – he feels almost like his old self. So no, he isn’t nervous just because today is the first time he’s going to see Sonny Carisi since the night before he left New York.

He’d expected to see him at the appeal against his defendant’s remand, but some other young ADA had been there – apparently, Sonny was sick. Rafael hadn’t allowed himself to worry about the other man, to wonder whether he had a partner now to look after him, to make sure he actually got some rest. The Sonny that Rafael had known was a constant bundle of activity, practically vibrating with confined energy even when he was tired or injured. He’d need someone who could force him to slow down, to realise that he was allowed to be taken care of. It had taken Rafael the better part of the eighteen months he spent in Virginia to realise that no matter how much he tried to deny it, he wanted to be that person for Sonny.

He can’t see him in the hallway outside the courtroom as he waits for his client, so he must already be inside. Rafael greets Jacobsen with a handshake when he arrives with his husband and together they step into the courtroom.

His eyes are drawn to Sonny immediately, and he’s ashamed to admit his mouth goes a little dry when he sees him. He looks good – and clearly paid attention whenever Rafael held forth about the importance of tailoring. His dark suit fits his long limbs incredibly well, the matching waistcoat doing wonders at emphasising his trim waist. For a moment, Rafael feels self-conscious and wonders whether Sonny would feel the same way about him even though he’s let himself go just a little in recent years, no longer feeling the desperate need to constantly keep up appearances. He shakes himself out of it as he walks past Sonny and towards the defence table with Jacobsen, who is saying goodbye to his husband.

Just as Rafael is taking his seat, Sonny turns his head and looks at him, giving him a cursory nod. He feels his stomach twist with disappointment. It’s not like he expected an exuberant greeting, but Sonny might as well not know him at all from how he reacted. He hides his reaction by busying himself with his notes. Regardless of his personal feelings towards Sonny, he is here to win this trial for his client.

The judge enters just then and Rafael gets to his feet, feeling the familiar rhythms of the trial like a comforting blanket around him. This is where he was always meant to be, even though he’s on the other side now.

Sonny makes his opening remarks and Rafael has to admit, he’s impressed. It’s not that he ever doubted Sonny’s proficiency as an ADA, but the mouthy cop from Staten Island he first met is miles from this composed, put-together person – and miles from the dishevelled, heartbroken mess he left on his doorstep almost three years ago.

He avoids looking at Sonny when his turn comes. He focusses on the jury – they’re the ones he has to convince of Jacobsen’s innocence after all – and does not think about how Sonny had once sat in the gallery and watched him with awe in his clear, blue eyes.

They end early, before five and Sonny disappears before Rafael can even attempt to screw up the courage to talk to him. Liv is waiting for him in the hallway though and she takes one look at him and decides they need a drink.

Forlini’s is the same as it ever was and when he and Liv take a seat at the counter, the bartender squints at him for a moment before sliding him his preferred whisky with a mumbled “It’s on the house.” A little bit of warmth spreads through Rafael’s chest and it’s not just from the liquor.

“So,” Liv says when she has a glass of wine in front of her. “How did it go?”

Rafael shrugs. “Okay, I think. We have a decent shot at getting Jacobsen off, but the jury will have to do it – there’s no way the DA’s office will make a deal, not when they’re so intent on convicting.”

“That’s good,” she says, sounding encouraging. “What was it like going up against Carisi?”

“Fine.”

Liv raises an eyebrow. “Fine? You were basically his mentor, it must be a little weird to have to be on opposite sides.”

“I wouldn’t go that far,” Rafael murmurs, then shakes his head. “Like I said, it was fine. We didn’t really speak outside of the courtroom.”

Liv nods. “Alright then.”

Rafael sighs, drains his drink and gestures for another. “So, how’s Noah been?”

-

The trial drags on for a gruelling six days, with the prosecution bringing in two extra witnesses to counter the one Rafael brought in after Olivia had Finn do some digging, but finally the jury retired for their deliberations. Sonny, as he had every day they were in court together, had disappeared before Rafael could speak to him, always surrounded by paralegals or cops, who all looked at Rafael with mistrust. Rafael tells Jacobsen to go and get lunch with his wife and texts Olivia that he’ll be able to meet her at the diner for food as planned.

Before he goes, he ducks into the bathrooms to use he toilet and stops short when he hears the sound of someone throwing up. The first few stalls are empty and when he reaches the last one, he finds the door open, as if its occupant had barely made it inside in time.

Rafael would really rather avoid getting vomit on his shoes if at all possible, but he also doesn’t want to be an asshole, so he knocks on the side of the stall, before peeking inside.

“Excuse me, are you al- Sonny?”

There’s an answering groan from Sonny, who is on his knees, head bent over the toilet seat, dry heaving. Rafael crouches down on the cold tile next to him and hesitantly puts a hand between Sonny’s shoulder blades.

“Sonny? Are you okay?”

Sonny nods, then immediately throws up again. Rafael wrinkles his nose at the acrid stench and carefully breathes through his mouth so he doesn’t end up occupying the stall next to Sonny.

“Okay, it’s alright. Just get it all out,” he says softly, hand stroking down Sonny’s back almost of its own accord. He wouldn’t consider himself a particularly nurturing person, but seeing Sonny like this just makes Rafael want to help him. “Are you ill? We could have postponed until after the weekend.”

Sonny shakes his head, still not looking up at him, as he reaches over to flush the toilet.

“Jury deliberations,” he croaks out. “I hate waiting for them to return with the verdict, this… hasn’t happened in a while, but usually Amanda waits outside with water and stuff.”

“Oh,” Rafael says, suddenly unsure. “Do you want me to go get her?”

Sonny finally moves his head far enough from the toilet to look at Rafael. “Nah, Billie has a cold and the sitter’s mother is in hospital, so Amanda stayed home.”

Rafael nods slowly. “Right… Billie is?”

“Amanda’s new baby,” Sonny says, a smile spreading across his pale, slightly sweaty face. “She’s the cutest little thing.”

“I’m glad to hear she had another baby,” Rafael says tersely – clearly Sonny had long since moved on and now he was the one pining like a fool. “When did you two get together?”

“We aren’t together,” Sonny responds immediately, then frowns. “Not that it’s any of your business counsellor.”

“Of course,” Rafael says, dropping his hand from where it had been rubbing Sonny’s back like he’s been burned. “I’m sorry. Let me go get you some water and I’ll leave you be.”

“Wait, you don’t have to –“ Rafael hears Sonny start, but he’s already climbing to his feet and hurrying out of the bathroom.

There are some vending machines just around the corner from the men’s room, so he purchases a bottle of still water and some gum before returning to the bathroom. Sonny has made it out of the stall and has clearly just washed his face, patting it dry with some paper towels when Rafael enters.

“Here,” he says, shoving the water and the packet of gum at Sonny.

“Uh thanks,” Sonny says, rinsing his mouth with the water before taking a couple of careful sips. “Really, thank you. You didn’t have to.”

Rafael shrugs. “It’s fine.” He turns to go, but hesitates. “You uh, you did a good job in there. You should be proud of yourself… I am.”

Sonny’s whole face flushes an adorable pink even as he shakes his head. “Thanks, but uh… I’m pretty sure the jury are going to return a not-guilty verdict.”

“That’s because he’s innocent,” Rafael says, allowing himself a tiny smirk. “You didn’t really think he did it, right?”

Sonny shrugs. “It wasn’t really my decision to make. You know what it’s like here when the higher-ups decide they want a case prosecuted.”

“Don’t I ever,” Rafael says ruefully. “I really am proud of you though, you’ve come a long way.”

“Thank you,” Sonny says, more sincerely this time, a smile dimpling his face. “That means a lot, coming from you.”

Rafael looks down at his feet guiltily. “It shouldn’t.”

“I know,” Sonny agrees and that dents even Rafael’s once bulletproof pride a little. “It still does though. Thanks for the water, Rafael.”

Rafael watches Sonny walk towards the door. “Anytime, Counsellor.”

Sonny flashes him another small smile, before he leaves. Rafael sighs and leans back against the wall.

“I’m so fucked,” he mumbles to himself.

-

The jury takes a lot longer to deliberate than he expected and so Rafael isn’t back at the courthouse until early the next afternoon. He’s a little on edge, he’d thought he’d done a good enough job to have the whole thing wrapped up by yesterday evening. He tries not to let his doubts show though, as the jurors file into the room. Beside him, Jacobsen shuffles his feet nervously and Rafael tries to shoot him a reassuring smile. Across the room, Sonny is wringing his hands under his table and if it weren’t going to send an innocent person to jail, Rafael would almost hope for a guilty verdict just to spare him the chewing out he’s going to get from his bosses.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?” the judge asks and the forewoman nods.

“We have, your honour.”

“And how do you find?”

“On three counts of rape in the second degree we find the defendant, Alan Jacobsen, not guilty.”

A swell of relief goes through Rafael and he turns to shake hands with an ecstatic Jacobsen as the judge thanks and dismisses the jury. When Jacobsen is leaning across the railing to hug his wife, Rafael turns to look at Sonny, only to find him already staring at him. He doesn’t look as upset as Rafael expected, which confirms that he wasn’t prosecuting because he staunchly believed in Jacobsen’s guilt. Rafael nods at him and Sonny’s face twitches a little like he wants to smile, but can’t.

Olivia is waiting for him, when Rafael finally makes it out into the hallway and she pulls him into a congratulatory hug.

“I have the afternoon off, if you want to go get an early drink and then some dinner?” she offers and any other time Rafael would have read the meaning in her words, but Sonny is just down the hall, lingering next to Amanda and glancing over at him like he has refused to do all through trial and Rafael can’t miss his chance again.

“I’m sorry, Liv, but I… I have something to do,” he says and she follows his line of sight.

“Carisi?” she asks and he wishes she sounded more surprised and less disappointed.

He looks at her, the well-concealed hurt that he can still detect in her eyes. “Liv, was that… were you asking me out?”

She smiles. “Can’t blame me for trying, can you? I thought now that you’re back… but I guess not.”

“I’m sorry,” he starts, but she cuts him off.

“It’s okay Rafa, we got the timing wrong.”

He sighs. “Maybe before my trial, before everything…”

“But now there’s Carisi,” she finishes for him, still somehow managing to look happy for him.

“Maybe even then,” he admits quietly. “I just wasn’t ready to let myself want it.”

She reaches out and squeezes his shoulder. “I’m glad you’re ready now. You deserve to be happy, Rafael. And so does he.”

“Thank you, Liv,” he tells her and she smiles.

He hugs her goodbye, then walks down the hallway towards Sonny, trying to project more confidence than he feels.

“Rollins,” he acknowledges the blonde detective.

“Barba,” she returns with a tight smile. “Good job in there.”

Rafael throws Sonny what he hopes is an apologetic look. “Thanks.”

“I’m uh, going to go, Liv’s waving me over,” Amanda says, narrowing her eyes suspiciously at him, before smiling at Sonny and heading towards where Olivia is indeed waiting for her.

Sonny watches her go, before turning to Rafael. “Hey.”

“Hi,” Rafael says and curses himself for sounding so nervous.

Sonny smiles properly for the first time and oh, Rafael has missed that smile. “Hi.”

“Do you want to get a drink with me?” he asks, the words rushing out of him in one long breath.

Sonny blinks. “It’s four in the afternoon, I’m supposed to go back to the office.”

“Anything urgent?” Rafael asks and grins cockily when Sonny shakes his head. “Then call in sick, you’ve lost a big case so they’ll almost expect it.”

Sonny looks hesitant for a moment, then sighs. “Fine. One drink – or maybe coffee would be better.”

Rafael shakes his head, thinking of just how badly this could go. “No, I’d rather not risk burns.”

“What?” Sonny blinks.

“Nothing. Forlini’s?”

“Uh, sure.”

Forlini’s isn’t far from the courthouse, it’s one of the reasons Rafael loves it so much – but they’re not even halfway down the courthouse steps when he stops walking.

“Wait,” he says and Sonny does, frowning.

It’s already starting to get dark, the January weather doing nothing to lighten the sky and if Rafael squints and Sonny were wearing a different coat, Rafael could almost convince himself its 2018 and they’re outside his apartment building.

“Rafael, are you okay?” Sonny asks, genuine concern written across his face.

“I’m sorry,” Rafael blurts in reply.

Sonny’s brow creases, his expression more guarded now. “For what?”

Rafael shakes his head. “You know for what. For everything that happened that night, but especially for leaving.”

“It’s okay,” Sonny says as if Rafael needed further proof of how forgiving he is, how good he is – how Sonny is much too good for him. “You were going through a lot and I just showed up and dumped my unrequited feelings on you and I should never have –”

“They’re not unrequited,” Rafael interrupts and Sonny falls silent, eyes wide as he stares at him. “I mean, maybe they were a little bit then, but not totally and now… Now, I don’t know how you feel, but I’ve had a lot of time to think – maybe too much – and I know how I feel.”

“How you feel?” Sonny asks a little breathlessly.

“I love you,” Rafael tells him and he wonders if this is how Sonny felt that night, if his heart was beating this fast too, if he could hear his blood pounding in his ears as he waited for a response.

“Rafael,” Sonny says and he looks upset, his face creased in confusion and hurt. “I don’t – You can’t just say that to me after three years! That night… you broke my fucking heart Rafael, and now you’re back after years without contacting me once and you expect me to just forgive you?”

Rafael shakes his head. “No, of course not. I just… You told me then that you wanted me to know I was loved – I want the same for you Sonny. The last three years, I’ve thought of you almost every day and regretted what I did, how I left things between us. The longer that I left it, the harder it became to reach out, to find a way to talk to you and apologise. I couldn’t go without saying sorry for another day, or without telling you that I love you, because I do.”

Sonny is still staring at him, tears in his eyes and Rafael feels the sharp sting of rejection – rejection which he admittedly deserves.

“It’s okay if you can’t forgive me, or if you’ve moved on. I didn’t expect you to wait, when I never told you if I was coming back,” he assures Sonny. “Just know that I meant it.”

He moves to turn and Sonny reaches out and grabs his wrist.

“Rafael, wait,” Sonny says and he freezes. “You’re serious? This isn’t, I don’t know, some sick idea of a joke?”

“No!” Rafael insists. “How could you think that?”

Sonny shrugs, but he looks so forlorn that any anger Rafael feels drains away.

“I meant it, Sonny,” he says softly. “I mean it. I love you.”

“And you want to be with me?” Sonny asks quietly and Rafael nods. “And what if I turn out to be different than what you expected, if there’s things you don’t know about me that mean you don’t want to be with me?”

“You’re not a murderer, are you?” Rafael can’t help from snarking despite the gravity of the situation and it startles a little laugh out of Sonny as he shakes his head.

“No, I’m not a murderer.”

Rafael shrugs, stepping closer to him. “Then I think we’ll be fine.” Sonny still looks unsure and he sighs. “You can tell me, Sonny, it’s okay.”

“I’m asexual,” Sonny confesses, voice small and although it’s not what Rafael had expected, he doesn’t understand why Sonny was so hesitant.

He nods. “Okay, thank you for telling me.”

Sonny frowns. “Do you know what it means?”

“I do,” Rafael says with a barely supressed eye roll. “I don’t see why it would be a problem.”

“Are you sure?”

Rafael takes a moment to wish millions of unending lawsuits on whoever made Sonny this hesitant about coming out, before nodding. “I love you, Sonny, that’s not going to change because you’ve told me you’re ace. You just tell me what you’re comfortable with and we’ll go from there.”

Sonny looks frozen for a moment and then he’s moving, pulling Rafael into a tight hug that almost forces all the air from his lungs.

“Sonny?” he mumbles against the other man’s shoulder. “What does this mean?”

Sonny pulls away just enough to press a clumsy kiss to his mouth before he speaks. “It means that I’m still mad that you left and took so long to come back. It also means that I love you and the fact that you thought I moved on proves that maybe you aren’t as smart as I always thought you were.”

“I’m sorry,” Rafael says, gently nudging at Sonny’s nose with his own and then kissing him properly, fingers of one hand winding in the hair he’s been dying to get his hands on for too long.

“It’s okay,” Sonny says when he eventually pulls away for air. “You have time to make it up to me – unless you’re planning on leaving again.”

Rafael shakes his head. “Not for the foreseeable future, not without you anyway.”

Sonny smiles and Rafael kisses the expression off his face.

* * *

Sirens wail as a fire engine goes past the apartment building and Rafael grumbles at the noise, ignoring Sonny’s snigger of amusement.

“Grumpy old man.”

“Shhh,” he mumbles, eyes half closed, feeling his way to Sonny’s face and covering his mouth.

“Umph,” Sonny protests, from where his head is resting on Rafael’s chest.

He licks Rafael’s palm and grins triumphantly, when Rafael pulls his hand away, eyes forcing themselves open so he can glare at him.

“You’re disgusting,” he declares and Sonny shrugs, indifferently.

“You love me anyway,” he insists. “At least, that’s what you’ve told me.”

Rafael sighs and reaches out to stroke away some of the hair flopping into Sonny’s face. “Unfortunately, I do, soleado.”

“You’re so grumpy in the mornings, baby,” Sonny observes, pressing a kiss to Rafael’s collarbone.

“You already know that,” Rafael complains, eyes sliding shut. “Now hush, we have half an hour before you have to get up for work and I’m tired.”

Sonny, to his credit, does wiggle his way further up the bed and pulls Rafael into his arms, letting him curl into his warmth.

“I love you,” Rafael mumbles, kissing what he thinks is Sonny’s jaw, ignoring the shaking from Sonny that means he’s laughing.

“Love you too,” Sonny replies and Rafael sighs contentedly, pressing further into his embrace, finally happy to be where he belongs.

**Author's Note:**

> ahhhh i hope this was okay and not too ooc!
> 
> i'd be over the moon if you left kudos and/or a comment or you can yell at me on on tumblr ([@hefellfordean](https://hefellfordean.tumblr.com)) or twitter ([@angstypalermo](https://twitter.com/angstypalermo))


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